i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
