The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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