bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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