his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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