I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
