ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
