Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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