Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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