I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize