I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
her facebook's as public as her vagina
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
