were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
