Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
