I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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