A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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