dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
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Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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