My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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