I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
