great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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