you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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