Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
