girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
