so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
