Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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