i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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