I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
