Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
