We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
