I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
