my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Randomize
