Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
