A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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