It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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