Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
