imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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