last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I fill condoms, not promises.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
