How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
