Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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