I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
