It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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