Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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