He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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