Please, let me fuck your mom
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
