And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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