I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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