Pants 0. Shit 1.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
