It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
