Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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