I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
