Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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