if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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