I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
