2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
