I puked a lego.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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