Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
