so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
