My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
