Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
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I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
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It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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