You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
