I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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