What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
