she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
